my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
