Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
