Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
