I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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