i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
