Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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