apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
