Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
