I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
