I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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