awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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