dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
