i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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