It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
