Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
