You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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