Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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