My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
