In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
