people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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