I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
