My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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