apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
