i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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