Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
