the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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