Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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