god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
