hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
