The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
