have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
