Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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