Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
