Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
