I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
