she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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