hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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