if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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