i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
