friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
