I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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