I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
