My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize