If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
