Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
