Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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