1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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