There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
