my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
