my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
