Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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