hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
