This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
