I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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