I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
