Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i want to swaddle you in tequila
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My vagina is officially offended.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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