Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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