I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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