I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
