Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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