Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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