Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
