remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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