4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
